More Funny Quotes

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright 

A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry. 
Anonymous 

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Albert Einstein

Age to women is like Kryptonite to Superman. 
-- Kathy Lette

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type. 
-- Bob Hope

You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead. 
-- John Mendoza

One of my movies was called "True Lies." It's what the Democrats should have called their convention. 
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger

Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material. 
-- Dave Letterman

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think. 
-- Milton Berle

Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.' 
-- Joe Namath

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. 
-- Demetri Martin

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. 
-- Bill Cosby

Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished. 
-- Leslie Nielsen

I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. 
-- Jerome K Jerome

Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf. 
-- Sam EwingThey've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer. 
-- Milton Berle

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. 
-- Noel Coward

Always drink upstream from the herd. 
-- Will Rogers

Advice is like castor oil, easy to give, but dreadful to take. 
-- Josh Billings

Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control are already born? 
-- Benny Hill

The less people know about how sausages and laws are made, the better they'll sleep at night. 
-- Otto von Bismarck

To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.

Benjamin Franklin

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint...a Saint Bernard!

Rodney Dangerfield

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

Rodney Dangerfield